God, I swear-music is so much more powerful that we give it credit.
I was jamming to Zeppelin today, like nothing was new. Just jamming along, (am currently as I type) & of course that’s when it hit me.
The cosmic forces decide to slam me with a whammy.
It has been 4 years since that agonizing conversation. I played it cool, held me head up high, like it was nothing. Like I wasn’t voluntarily throwing away the one chance at the possibility of something real. Something so honest, that I could almost taste the trust being built as we breathed, as we held hands, as we just enjoyed each others’ company.
But it was really when I stumbled across his name on Instagram. He commented on some mutual friend from our small town. It was as I stared at my phone, I wondered,
"Will I *ever* have the courage, the strength, the power to get past this?"
I wonder this practically ever time he unconsciously fights his way into my life. Even now, as I hear the last chords of “Over the Hills and Far Away” (his favorite song, which never fails to take my thoughts sprinting tp those 3 treasured months) I wonder, can I get beyond this vague memory of this man I met?
We had so many similarities, it was uncanny! I thought, “This is so cool! I meet a guy, whose into the same music, who understands my relationship with my dad, and has the cutest smile.” I always had this goofy smile whenever I thought of him, which was far too often. I would look forward to seeing him ALL. THE. TIME. I still watch that movie we saw on our first date, and cant help but think of how he kept…
Circling his thumb around mine. That simple touch made me night. It was simply perfect, and one of my favorite parts of that fateful night…
But then as fate would have it, everything unraveled. I would see him in the hall with his latest girl, I would have classes with him, and it would take everything I had just to get through those searing 40 minutes.
He creeps into my life now and again, and I can’t help but wonder, “Why?!” It’s not like he was the love of my life. It’s not like I was truly in love with him. It’s not like I was ready, or thought he was perfect, because he sure as hell wasn’t.
I wonder why I can’t get past these vague feelings. Every time I see, think or hear of him, I think, “Oh wouldn’t it be nice if we could FINALLY get through all the horseshite, and DO THIS?”
These ideas of what I wish had been. Of would should have been, if we had only talked more, had put more effort in, had been a little more mature about things.
I just keep thinking, “If we had been able to work it out, we could have been great, just *so* great.” And I truly don’t understand, because I know the kind of person he has become, and the person I am now, wouldn’t be compatible. I can’t wrap my head around the reasoning why I’m so hung up on this mediocre man, that I thought was fab, who became this ‘ballin’ douche, that continues to haunt my thoughts.
He and I have even talked about why things didn’t work, and he even apologized, the best he could.
SO why is it, my subconscious can’t get a grip and prep itself for the wonderful idea of someone new. I can feel it down in my innermost gut that I AM READY FOR SOMEONE NEW.
Someone I can truly trust. Someone I can talk to about anything, lean on, cry with, laugh at, love even.
Someone I can look forward to seeing, Look forward to our lengthy conversations about the most mundane topics, but we would find them the most interesting. Someone that gets me, accepts my flaws, but takes me in spite of them, particularly my awful snorting. (Literally, if I can find a man that thinks my snorting is adorable, I will MARRY HIM.) But anyhow, I need a man I can trust, subject to my immense family. Someone I can just hang with and be content.
I didn’t have that in him. I don’t understand why I can’t get past him. But I’m going to try my damnest. Maybe it’s just my heart saying, “Look what happened last time, be careful.” I can never be sure when it comes to my heart, but I am SO ready to find out.